I Wanna Punch You On The Lips
by epicinsanity101
Summary: Sequel to BIIS. Jessica Stanley finds herself surrounded by crazy. Her mother is behaving like a functioning human being, Bella Swan has turned into a zombie, there's some freaky Indian kid following her around and she still feels fat eating a Milky Way.
1. The One With Too Many Chuck Norris Jokes

**Friday, September 9****th **

So I was sitting in study hall getting ready to start reading _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ when Lauren yelled in my ear, "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"

Yes. What a nice way to start off my day and a new journal. Unlike the last one (which Ms. Abram gave me as an outlet for my "anger issues") this one isn't pink with a goddamn glitter unicorn on the cover. It's black and sophisticated. Like if Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow had a journal this is what it would look like.

I haven't written much over the summer since a lot of stupid shit happened that I would rather not talk about. All I can say is that Mike Newton is not the nice guy I thought he was, but in fact, an asshat with stupid hair. How could I have thought that relationship was going to last? He's an asshat! Clever, sophisticated, Gwyneth-esque women like me shouldn't date asshats who cancel dates because _Walker Texas Ranger _is on.

"But Jess!" Mike had said in his defense. "Chuck Norris can _slam_ a revolving door!"

So I broke up with him. He didn't cry like I wanted him to. He just said alright and went back to eating his Fritos.

I didn't cry either. Only a little bit. It was an accident.

Mike wasn't a good boyfriend anyway. He only bought me the chocolates with coconut in them and he _knows_ I'm allergic.

Anyway, back to study hall.

Lauren had gotten her hair cut really short over the break because this sleazy "modeling agent" guy told her to. Now whenever I look at her all I can think of is _Lauren looks like a lesbian_ (no offense…my aunt Erika is a lesbian which pisses half my family off already, but not me because I'm totally for gay marriage, etc.). Plus her left eye was twitching which was fucked up.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked.

"My contact fell out when I was spoiling juicy plot twists," Lauren said.

"You wear contacts?"

"Since, like, the fourth grade."

I refused to help because she already ruined by dreams and I was feeling depressed because Edward Cullen never returned my mechanical pencil I let him borrow last period. It had a really cute heart shaped cap eraser that I think he threw in the garbage to avoid further embarrassment. There was a rumor going around school that Edward like to look at guys in the showers.

I don't believe this because the other day I SWEAR TO GOD he was checking out Audrey's fun bags (if you know what I mean).

"Whatever," Lauren said, giving up the search. "It's not like I _need_ to see. Helen Keller can't see and she's doing fine."

"You are the stupidest person I have ever met," I said.

"The old Lauren would have given you a roundhouse kick to the face," Lauren said."But the new Lauren, who is also a model, is just going to let that slide."

I sighed. "You're not a model."

Then some guy came over and said, "Lauren, is this your contact? It was on the bottom of my boot."

Lauren is acting all high and mighty because of that stupid modeling incident. Really she's just trying to forget about how Tyler dumped her for this surfer girl he met in San Francisco over vacation. I've seen a picture of her and all that she's got going for her is big boobs and hair that doesn't frizz when it's hot outside.

Needless to say, Lauren went into Berserk Mode and cut up her curtains or something dramatic like that. Then she called me in tears, made me rent _Waiting to Exhale_, and then talked during the entire movie. It was like my own personal Hell.

Speaking of Hell, lunch has turned into this except with a lot more awkward silences. I sit as far away from Mike as I can so that I can't see his stupid hair. But now I have to sit next to Angela and Ben who are one of those couples who don't shut the fuck up.

BEN: Angela, you're so pretty. I don't deserve a girl like you _blah blah blah…_

ANGELA: Oh shucks, Mr. Cheney. I do declare! You are a gentleman if I ever saw one _blah blah blah…_

BEN: Oh Angela you're hair is so soft. You look just like Louis Lane _blah blah blah…._

ANGELA: I do believe I'm catching the vapors! I'm all in a tizzy!

LAUREN: Hey you guys! Pay attention to me! I'm so important! I look like a lesbian!

MIKE: I'm a dickhead _blah blah blah_ Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer! Too bad he's never cried! EVER!

JESUS: IT'S OVER 9,000! (kills everyone with his lightning powers)

If only real life could be like that.

* * *

**Later**

Lately my mother has been doing really weird stuff. Like she got a job at the bank even though she doesn't even know how to do long division. I guess all she does is hand out lollipops to little kids, but it's still messed up. My mom has never held a serious job for more than a week. They fired her from Walgreens because all she did was read magazines. Either we lived off my dad's life insurance (which wasn't a lot to begin with) or I worked at the Newton's store (which I'm sure as hell not doing now since both Mike _and_ Bella are stinking the place up with their suck).

Along with the job, she's got a steady boyfriend who I actually _like_. For one, he doesn't resemble Don Johnson in any way, shape or form. He's a CPA which should be boring, but one time he got bit by a Komodo dragon which is pretty cool. He lets me call him Ted too. All of mom's other boyfriends ignored me or looked at me like I was Satan's spawn.

And she wears pantsuits now like Hilary Clinton.

I'm proud of her.

But I'm also kind of pissed.

Because my life's made of suck right now while she's out having a good time with cool accountants. If Mike was an accountant maybe I would consider going out with him again. MAYBE.

Mom has noticed my depression and decided to make a cheap mother-daughter moment out of it.

"Are you doing okay, sweetie?" she asked me.

"Sorry," I said. "I can't hear you through my shame spiral."

Mom gave me an awkward one-armed hug. "I know you loved Mike-"

"I never said ANYTHING about love," I said, horrified. "If I ever say I'm in love with Mike Newton please kill me."

"Oh." Mom got all teary eyed which scared me. "My little Jessie is growing up."

"I've been grown-up for a long time," I said. "Ever since I learned where babies come from." Not from a slot machine like I had been told many times before.

"Well if you're feeling down why don't you get a job?" Mom suggested.

Then she ran off to go to Olive Garden with Ted leaving me to wonder why my mother's sex life is so much better than mine.

* * *

**Sunday, September 11****th**

So, for once, I listened to my mother and got a job.

I'm babysitting down in La Push every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for this nice single woman who reminds me of my mom. She's kind of neurotic though which I don't mind. But her house is freakishly clean. I'm scared to touch anything. There's this ancient looking vase that looks like it could fall apart at any moment. I feel like I'm in an episode of _Full House_.

The girl, Jane, is a real cutie though. I don't normally like kids much. The ones who go to the Jewish Community Center in Port Angeles are little shits. They run around with fucking water guns filled with I-don't-wanna-know.

Jane doesn't even acknowledge me when I'm babysitting her. She just watches _Power Rangers_ or whatever the hell little kids watch on TV. I don't mind Jane. It's the goddamn one year old in the next room I was freaking out about.

Her name's Claire and she's a baby.

Babies are what nightmares are made of. If I hold one I will probably explode. I mean, what if she starts crying or poos or something? Last time I checked "child rearing" was not on my resume. I don't even have a resume.

"Is your sister asleep?" I asked Jane.

"I hope she got kidnapped," Jane said which is really horrible for an older sister to say. Then again, I'm an only child and therefore don't have to deal with acting out for attention (although sometimes it seems like I have to).

"Does she, like, go in her diaper?" I asked.

"Duh," Jane said. "She's a baby."

So then I almost hyperventilated because OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR? Jane's mom never mentioned a baby on her flier. Or maybe it did and I was only paying attention to the salary end of the deal.

"If Claire shits in her diaper than I'll just call Aunt Emily," Jane said.

"What men's bathroom did you pick that up in?" I asked, stifling back a laugh. Because when little kids swear it's always funny. I dare you to think otherwise.

"Leah says stuff like that all the time," Jane said. "Mommy says she has no 'sense of etiquette'."

I felt safe knowing that Jane had everything under control. Then I was like shouldn't I be the one with the answers? I am almost eighteen. I can almost smoke cigarettes legally.

Claire didn't make a peep the entire time I was there. I went home feeling excellent and motherly. Jane and I played Connect 4 and I let her win every damn time.

* * *

**It's Dark Outside**

Mike called me while I was sleeping (an annoying habit among my "friends)" and was saying stuff like, "Jessica, man. You gotta come out here. Oh, man. There's this mothereffing lake, man! And if you walk in it your pants get all wet."

I started laughing because Mike was so obviously drunk or on smack or _something_ dumb. I wasn't even mad at him for calling me at two in the morning because it was just so damn funny.

"Jess, Jess, Jess," Mike said. "Did you know that Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun?"

"Mike, did you know I don't care?"

"You're so pretty, Jessica." Mike just kept on talking. "If-if you wanted to sleep with me I would be totally okay with it."

"Wouldn't you have to check with Chuck Norris before?" I asked.

"No, man," Mike said. "Chuck Norris is cool with everybody. Because when Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks a chicken."

I hang up.

**A/N: There you have it! The first chapter of the _But Inside I'm Screaming _sequel! As you can probably tell there will be some of the wolf pack showing up (I'm really afraid of what I'm going to do to them xD), especially Leah Clearwater who is one of my favorite characters from the series. I really hope Jess and Leah can bond over their shared hatred of Bella. So thanks for reading and have fun!**


	2. The One With Smut Novels

**Monday, September 12****th**

Tomorrow is Bella Swan's birthday. I know this because Mike and Eric_ will not let us forget about it_.

Bella doesn't even sit at our table anymore. She's getting her rocks off at the Cullen's table (Edward STILL hasn't given me my pencil back). At least I don't have to look at her anymore. Her constant moping was seriously harshing my mellow.

Anyway, Thing One and Thing Two keep asking us what we got for Bella's birthday every _five freaking seconds_. Apparently Mike got her a bottle of perfume (something with a weirdly sexual name like "Euphoria" or "Threesome") and Eric got her a hat. Yes a hat. Isn't that weird? But Eric said the hat was really chic and I asked him if he was a homosexual, or at the very least trying to act like Tim Gunn for my benefit.

My Jewish guilt was telling me that I should get Bella a gift because I've been a real bitch to her lately. Like the other day I left some _challah _my grandma made me in her locker on purpose. It's bad because my grandma's cooking sucks and her _challah_ smells like feet.

"Do you want to get a present for Bella after school?" I asked Angela.

She looked at me like I just morphed into that girl from _The Exorcist_.

"Are you setting me up for something?" Angela asked.

"No.

"Okay," Angela said. "We'll go after school."

So then Angela kept giving me all these looks for the rest of the day like I had two heads. It's understandable. I normally don't do nice things for people. I'm tough, like Dirty Harry or Mr. T.

We go to the Stop N' Go first because I want a smoothie. They have these watermelon banana smoothies that sound really gross but when you taste them it's like an orgasm in your mouth. Angela doesn't like them because they give her headaches.

"What do you want to get her?" she asks when I was looking through the five dollar romance novels.

"I don't know," I said. "Like a vibrator or whatever."

The guy at the counter gave us a funny look, but I knew he was into it. Yeah the only guy who works at the Stop N' Go is like seventy, but he's still a guy. Angela didn't like my silly jokes and got all huffy.

"We should get her something nice," she said.

"Do you know what she got me for my birthday?" I asked. "She got me a freaking book light. A _book light_."

"Book lights are practical," Angela said. She started flipping through a novel called _The Heat of Passion _(by the way, one of the most unoriginal smut book titles ever. If I ever wrote a smut book I would name it something cool like _Sexy Ninja Pirates in Space With Vikings and Batman Was There Too_ or something).

"Book lights are for people who can't see in the dark," I said. "I have night vision, Angela. Plus it was a shitty gift. I'm getting her this."

I held up a box of Hostess cupcakes and a smut novel called _Blood and Sex_. "It says on the back that it's about a girl who visits a shitty town and is 'enticed' by a 'sexy' vampire. They do it all the time and don't even use condoms."

Angela snatched the book from me and flipped through it. She made a face. "This is disturbing."

"I'm buying it. So there." I stuck out my tongue at her.

I tried reading _Blood and Sex_ and only got to the sixth chapter. There's so much sex in it that I don't think I'm a virgin anymore.

* * *

**Later**

So Mom came into my room after I got home from the Stop N' Go and she said, "Put on something nice. Ted invited us out to dinner."

And I was like _whoa what_? Because I haven't been out to "dinner" since I was twelve. I go out with my friends, but that doesn't count. You don't wear dresses when you go out with your friends (unless one of your friends is a guy and really hot and no I'm not talking about Mike what the hell are you smoking?).

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Olive Garden."

Olive Garden is pretty swanky. Although I was kind of worried that I would eat too many breadsticks. Ted has some serious _dinero_ if he's taking me and my mom to Olive Garden. I wondered briefly if he was some sort of con man. He sells broken vacuums to senior citizens for a quick buck.

"Put on your pink one," Mom said.

"That one makes my butt look like I stuffed a kickball up there," I said.

"What about the green one?"

"The one I wore to Uncle Norm's wedding to that mail order bride?"

"Katya wasn't a mail order bride, Jessica."

"She is! Do you know what crap comes out of her mouth when she's plastered?"

Mom left me alone to get dressed because apparently I am a big pain in her ass.

Ted drove us to Olive Garden in his cool car. It had a moon-roof and cup holders. You could fit a GIGANTIC watermelon banana smoothie in his cup holders. I was blown away.

But I got this feeling. This feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that was telling me to be wary. Something bad was going to happen. Something that was going to drastically alter my sparking lifestyle. But I forgot about it when I saw the breadsticks. They tasted like they were baked in heaven.

My mom was picking at her salad because it was full of cherry tomatoes. She says that cherry tomatoes give her hives but I don't believe her because one time I saw her putting one in a cocktail. On second thought, maybe she was so smashed that she thought it was an olive. I can see why someone would make that mistake.

Then she said this: "Jessica. Ted and I have something to tell you."

"Are you pregnant?" I asked upfront because it's something my mom would do. Also I don't want a baby in the house. I already have Claire and that's enough for me right now.

"No," Mom laughed. "Jess, that's ridiculous."

Ted puts his hand on my hand which is kind of weird.

"Jessica," he said all nice. I imagined this is the voice he used while telling somebody about their horrible credit scores (or whatever CPAs do). "Your mom and I are engaged."

I chewed on my breadstick before completely flipping my shit.

"Are you serious?" I asked. "Are you messing with me or something? It's not funny."

Mom looked kind of put off. What the hell did she expect me to do? Jump for joy? I had my pissed face on and it wasn't coming off.

"We've been engaged since the end of August," Mom explained. "We were just waiting for the right time to tell you."

"I don't know…maybe after he proposed?" I asked all sarcastic because now I was in full blown Bitch Mode.

"Don't use that tone with me," Mom said.

"I can use whatever tone I want," I retorted. People in the Olive Garden were looking at us now. Mom and Ted started to look uncomfortable.

"I knew you would react like this," Mom sighed. "That's why I didn't want to tell you so soon."

I went to the bathroom to cry because I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my own flesh and blood. I guess I was crying too because Mom looked so happy about getting married. This was my entire fault to begin with. I told her to forget about dad and she listened.

Listened and went and got herself engaged to a cool CPA with cup holders in his car.

* * *

**Tuesday September 13****th**

Bella didn't like the present I got her. I could tell because she had this blank expression on her face _oh wait that's the same face she has on every single day_.

"It's a series," I said not helping matters. "I think some werewolves get introduced in the second one, or something."

"If you slept with a werewolf would that be considered bestiality?" Lauren asked fiddling with her hair clips.

"I don't think anyone has ever attempted to sleep with a werewolf," Tyler said.

Lauren glared at him. "Maybe you should ask your girlfriend. I'm sure she gets around."

Then Lauren and Tyler got into this bitch fight about whether or not his girlfriend had ever "slept around with mythical creatures".

"Here are some cupcakes too," I said awkwardly patting the box.

"I don't like chocolate," Bella said in this way that implied I should _know_ she doesn't like chocolate. "But thanks anyway."

Then she flounced back over to the Cullen's table to moan about her stupid nerd friends. I looked over at Ben who was talking to Angela about this model he's building of the _Millennium Falcon_ out of Legos.

He's not helping our case.

After school I went to La Push to babysit. Jane was there eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch on the sofa while her mom was running around with one shoe on.

"Thanks so much, Jessica," she yelled at me before running out of the house.

Jane looked at me as I sat down on the couch beside her.

"What?"

"That's Leah's seat," Jane said. "She's coming over today and she always sits there. If she sees you sitting in her seat she will kick your ass."

Frankly, this Leah girl scares the crap out of me and I haven't even met her. So I moved to the floor because I wasn't going to risk getting my face all bloody.

After a half hour of _Sabrina the Teenage Witch_ the doorbell rang. Jane got the door and came back with who I suspected was Leah Clearwater.

She was an Amazon in purple flip-flops and a Seattle Seahawks jersey. She looked like she could beat your ass one second than bake you cookies the next (poison cookies).

"That's Jennifer," Jane said, pointing at me.

"No it's not. It's Jessica," I said.

"Hi, Jennifer," Leah Clearwater said.

"Claire is sleeping," Jane said, tugging on Leah's shirt. "And Jennifer hid all the knives so I won't attack her.

"I wanted to murder Seth when he was a baby," Leah Clearwater said. "I almost fed him antifreeze."

Jane and Leah Clearwater sat on the couch and watched _Pokemon_.

"Why the hell does your mom put plastic on the couch?" Leah Clearwater asked. "Who was the dumb shithead who came up with covering couches in plastic anyway?"

"One time I spilled Kool-Aid on the couch and Mom almost had a stroke," Jane said.

"It's just fucking Kool-Aid," Leah Clearwater said.

"It was grape Kool-Aid."

"I swear this world is so full of crap. One day it's just going to implode from all the crap piling up on it. Right, Jennifer?"

"Yeah," I said because she might kick me if I disagreed with her.

"But you know what I hate most about the world?" Leah Clearwater continued her tirade.

"What?" Jane and I asked.

"Men."

That's when I knew Leah Clearwater and I were going to be best friends.

**A/N: Yep :D There's Leah Clearwater! She will probably be referred to by her entire name (for now) because she is that damn awesome (to Jessica anyway xD). Expect Jess and Leah to get into kooky situations! Like gang fights and lipstick parties! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited and story alerted *wraps you all in her love***


	3. The One With Topless Mermaids

**Thursday, September 13****th**

Today Leah Clearwater ranted about her ex-boyfriend Sam while she drew skulls and topless mermaids on Jane with a tattoo marker. I was painting her nails with this Seductress Red polish I stole from Lauren's. Jane sat quietly, but every few minutes complained that her nose itched.

"Beauty is pain," I said.

"Leah, itch my nose."

"And then he had the _balls_ to call me up the next day to apologize! I would have punched that mother chucker out if Seth hadn't made me a goddamned sandwich. That boy is the saint of sandwiches."

Jane struggled to lift her foot to her nose, but she gave up after a while. She just didn't have the same gymnastic skills I possessed as a child (Lauren is wrong. Jumping into the foam cube pit totally made me more flexible. And have you _seen_ my second grade floor routine? Flawless!)

"I'm going to check on Claire," Leah Clearwater said. "Don't you dare move an inch, Jane, or I will pinch you so hard you'll never have children."

Jane stuck out her tongue. "That's fine! I don't want any! I heard Mom say kids ruin your vag!"

When Leah Clearwater was gone I said, "I can't believe that your aunt stole Leah's boyfriend. That's like something out of _Melrose Place_."

Jane rolled her doe eyes and said, "Aunt Emily didn't mean to, but Leah said she put some spell on him. Like a demonic space princess." She pointed at the mermaid on her left arm. "Where are Ariel's seashells?"

Leah Clearwater is totally cool once you get past her scary face and man feet. Her ex was a dumbass for giving up on her. She looks like she could mentor you in the ways of kicking ass and taking names. I should be her padawon. How bitchin' would that be?

"So then he _shows up at my goddamned house_," Leah Clearwater said after she came back out of the nursery. "and says some pussy shit like 'Leah, I didn't want us to end like this. We can still be friends, y'know. It's not like we're on different sides of the fucking planet. I'm going to see you again.'"

She made this noise that sounded like: _Can you believe this shit?_

I nodded my head in understanding. "Men can be such 'tards sometimes."

"Maybe I'll just join a convent," Leah Clearwater said, picking up her tattoo marker. She started drawing the Bat Symbol on Jane's ankle. "Or be a lesbian. Or both."

"I think there's porn about that."

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Jane shouted at the ceiling. "What's a nun?"

So then Jane's mom got home and asked why her daughter looked like a sailor and Leah Clearwater said, "Oh it's no problem. We were just teaching Jane about expressing her creativity."

Jane's mom acted like she knew all about expressing creativity. I think she's the type of lady who pretends to be a vegetarian to her friends and then goes home and eats a whole steak out of loneliness. I got ten dollars out this babysitting gig and immediately went to the Shoe Barn to stare lovingly at these pricy wedge sandals I can't afford.

But get this.

There was this dude working at the Shoe Barn, okay? He's younger than me, probably fourteen. They let fourteen year olds work at the Shoe Barn because they don't give a shit about anything. And by "they" I mean the crazy broad who manages the place. Her name is Lola, she wears almost as much makeup as Miss Piggy and someone once told me she breeds minks in her basement.

Lola wasn't at the Shoe Barn today (usually she's screeching at me to get the fuck out if I wasn't going to buy anything). It was a La Push kid. And he was staring at me and I was staring at the wedges.

Then he approached me, but I was still drooling over wedges so I don't hear him. He said something like, "Do you want me to measure your foot?" and I screamed a little because, like I said before, he was maneuvering around shoe boxes like a freaking ninja.

Ninja Shoe Barn Guy: Do you want me to measure your foot?

Me: Uh… no thanks.

NSBG: Those are some practical shoes you got there.

Me: Okay.

NSBG: I'm not being sarcastic. I really think those shoes are great.

Me: Yeah.

NSBG: Not that I'm gay or anything. I go out with loads of girls.

Me: Uh-huh.

NSBG's eyes kind of glazed over, like his conscious finally decided to kick in and was telling him to end the conversation before I pepper sprayed him. While he was in this frozen state, I hid my wedges behind a poorly designed Doc Martin display and got the fuck out.

Whatever. I'm sure I'll never see him again.

**JESSICA. THIS IS YOUR FUTURE SELF. I WAS RE-READING YOUR STUPID ASS JOURNAL ENTRIES AND SAW THIS. WARNING: YOU DO SEE NINJA SHOE BARN GUY AGAIN. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. BTW: IT'S YOUR KIDS MARTY! SOMETHING'S GOTTA BE DONE ABOUT YOUR KIDS!**

* * *

**Friday, September 16****th**

BIG SUPRISING NEWS, JOURNAL!

EDWARD AND BELLA ARE **OVER! FINI! ZU ENDE! FINITO! ****יותר!** **TERMINADO! **

I didn't believe it when Lauren told me. She was like: EDWARD AND BELLA TOTALLY JUST BROKE UP OH MY GOD IT'S JUST LIKE THAT TIME WHEN KELLEY SHAPIRO STABBED ROGER PARKINSON WITH THAT FORK DURING HOMECOMING HOLY SHIT!

Then I said, "What?"

Lauren was sucking on a cherry Blow Pop and flailing her arms like a circus seal. She had shown up at my house while Mom and Ted (still haven't spoken to Mom since the Olive Garden Incident) were out doing engaged people things. I was reading the Torah because I felt bad about eating the last pudding cup.

"Charlotte Brambles saw the whole thing go down when she was out hunting with her dad," Lauren explained. "Then she told Audrey who told Roger who told Eric who told Tyler who told _me_. Now I'm telling you because this so goddamned important. Do you know when we kicked Russia's ass by landing on the moon? This is almost…no. This is WAY MORE IMPORTANT."

I just stared at her. Lauren jumped up and down, her eyes wide. She expected me to say something because that was my job.

"When the hell did you start caring about Edward and Bella?"

"I never did." Lauren tossed her hair over her shoulder (this means that she is either agitated or turned on). "I'm just happy that Edward is open to the public now. And by "the public" I mean me. Lauren Fucking Mallory."

"I thought your middle name was Kathleen."

"I got to get a whole new wardrobe," Lauren said, ignoring me. "Maybe some of those hideous hooded things. Bella wore those all the time. Maybe they get Cullen hot."

I wasn't taking Lauren very seriously. She was never going to:

a. Try to date/kiss/hold hands with/seduce/watch a movie with/sex up Edward Cullen.

b. Wear a hooded sweatshirt.

Lauren is obviously still hurting over Tyler's new girlfriend. She pretends not to care when it's so damn obvious she wants to rip out Tyler's intestines and use them to decorate her front porch. So I let her continue with her deluded Edward Cullen fantasies because friends do that for each other.

After Lauren stopped talking, we started watching _Miss Congeniality _on TBS. We were watching the part where Sandra Bullock was getting a super awesome makeover when Mom and Ted walked in the living room.

"Hey, girls," Mom said, trying to be nice. I stared hard at the TV, not saying anything. "What's going on?"

"Edward and Bella broke up," Lauren said.

"Bella Swan?" Ted asked. "You mean Charlie Swan's daughter?"

Lauren nodded.

"Didn't we just hear about that girl, Laurie?" Ted asked my mom.

"Yeah," Mom said gravely. "She's gone missing. No one has seen her for a while."

Then I got really nervous. Because what if Bella decided to, like, kill herself? She seems like one of those chicks who would be crazy unstable in a relationship. Like Glen Close in _Fatal Attraction_ unstable. Like _Single White Female _unstable. _CARRIE _UNSTABLE!

"There's a search party looking for her," Ted said.

"Let's go," I said, grabbing my coat off the rocking chair and running toward the door.

Lauren was freaked out by my sudden bout of caring. She followed me anyway (I knew she would). Mom told me to be back before dark, but I didn't listen. I was being a bitch, but she should have considered telling me about her stupid engagement earlier.

"Where are we going?" Lauren asked.

"To find that stupid bitch, Bella."

"I don't want to," Lauren whined. "Can't we go get drunk or something _fun_?"

"The last time I got drunk bad shit happened."

"What about Pong? You love Pong."

Lauren hates Pong therefore I didn't give into her temptress ways. I ordered Lauren to drive me to the woods where Charlotte Brambles saw Edward and Bella. The stupid bitch probably fainted or did something else ridiculously sexist. Hopefully we could reach her before she set herself on fire.

As I have previously stated in other entries, Lauren drives like a blind woman at the Indy 500. She's cruising along the road at daredevil speed with me holding on for dear life. She almost mowed over Mike Newton on a bicycle.

"OH MY GOD!" Lauren screamed, slamming on the breaks. I almost crack my skull on the goddamned dash. My heart was beating hard against my rib cage. I could feel it in my throat.

Lauren jumped out of the car to see if Mike was okay. He had dived off his bike and fell into a ditch on the side of the road. Lauren was standing over him, yelling, "ARE YOU DEAD?"

"Where the fuck are you guys going?" Mike yelled back. "Is there some sale at the mall, or what?"

"One." I held up a finger. "That is incredibly sexist. Two. We're trying to save a life. Bella Swan's life."

Mike's interest was predictably piqued. "What happened to Bella?"

"She might be, like, dead," Lauren explained. "It's because Edward dumped her. And she might have stabbed herself in the heart or something."

Mike wanted to go with us and Lauren let him come without asking me what _I_ wanted. Seriously. What is it with people not asking for my opinion?

So I end up sitting next to Mike in the back because there was no way I was sitting up front again. I didn't want to fly through any windshields.

"How are you doing?" Mike asked while Lauren drove like a maniac.

He was asking about my mom's engagement. Everyone in this goddamned town knows about it. We've been eating congratulatory casseroles for the past week.

"I didn't think you cared about me anymore," I said.

"I care."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, Newton. I really don't have time for any tender moments right now. There are lives to be saved."

It was dark by the time we got to the woods. Lauren pulled out a flashlight from the trunk of her car and we started the investigation. It was hella scary in the woods, mostly because Leah Clearwater and I watched _The Blair Witch Project_ at Jane's house the other day. Mike was all, "Do you want me to hold your hand, Jessica? It's all right if you're scared."

"I'm not scared," I hissed.

"You're humming 'Dancing Queen'," Mike said. "I _know_ you're scared."

"Awww," Lauren gushed.

"I'm going to murder you both if you don't shut up."

Then I tripped on something and fell on my face. What I tripped on was Bella Swan's LIFELESS CORPSE. She was wearing the coat I let her borrow last spring. What the fuck?

"Holy shit!" Lauren cried. "What is wrong with her?"

"I think she's in a coma," I said.

"Do you want me to do CPR?" Mike asked.

Before I could say anything, I heard an ominous rustling noise. I yelped and ran for my life, taking Lauren and Mike with me. We ran back to the car and collapsed in the road.

"You do realize we left Bella back there in her lonely woman coma," Lauren said, spreading out her arms so her fingers were in my mouth.

"The bears probably got her," I said.

"Cullen is a douche," Mike said.

We heard police sirens in the distance. "I think they found Bella," I said. "What a stupid bitch."

"Can we go home?" Lauren sighed. "I'm tired."

So Lauren drove me home where Mom and Ted were canoodling on the sofa. I disgustedly stormed up to my room, stomping hard on every stair so they could hear my turmoil.


	4. The One With The Saint of Sandwiches

**Saturday September 17****th**

Bella wasn't dead (would I be a major bitch if I tagged an "unfortunately" to the end of that sentence?). She was in shock or something. _I've_ never been in shock after a guy dumped my ass. Not even in seventh grade when Walter Anderson broke up with me for Melissa What's Her Name. Sure I suddenly developed a fever of 102 , but that was because I stayed outside his house all night in the snow. THAT'S IN THE PAST.

Angela called me and was like, "Should we visit her? Send our condolences?"

"Edward isn't dead," I pointed out. Sometimes it seemed like I was the only voice of reason in the state of Washington. "And I don't think they make Hallmark cards for getting dumped. Bella got bonked with the break up stick and there's nothing we can do about it."

Then Angela pulled her wishy-washy Charlie Brown shit and I was like, "FINE FINE LET'S GO TO HER HOUSE."

I brought my _Buffy the Vampire _DVD box set because it always makes me feel better to see vampires getting staked. Bella never told me what she liked to do for fun, so I wasn't sure what else to bring with me. When Lauren broke with her boyfriend's we usually ended up egging their houses and spray painting dirty words on their cars.

Angela was sitting on the Swan's front porch when I arrived (since Mom's so busy being engaged I can steal her car undetected). Next to Angela was a Stop N' Go bag filled with cavity inducing candy. I snatched a bag of Skittles and started chowing down (Mom's too busy being engaged to make me dinner not that she was good at it before).

"Why do you look like Droopy Dog?" I asked.

"Mr. Swan said that Bella doesn't want to see anyone," she told me. "Apparently she's holed up in her room being depressed. She's won't even talk to her dad."

I rolled my eyes. "Typical Bella. Didn't she ever take Life 101? It's called _moving on_. "

"Edward and Bella had a very deep connection," Angela said defending Bella till the very end. "I can understand why she's so upset."

"This is beyond upset," I said. "We are on threat level midnight. Something must be done about her moping."

Before Angela could stop me, I was hurling pebbles at Bella's window. The Swans kept their lawn relatively pebble-less so there wasn't much to work with. The pebble throwing was all in vain anyway. I didn't even get a glance at Bella's sullen mug.

"Maybe we should wait until Monday," Angela said. "She'll be back to her old self."

"I swear to god I'm going to throttle Cullen the next time I see him," I said. "He managed to make Bella even more irritating. I didn't think that was possible."

"Jessica," Angela warned me. "Bella is suffering through a tough break up. She needs time."

"She needs a good smack in the mouth," I said holding up my fists. "and I think Sid and Nancy can deliver."

We drove to Angela's house where her brothers were filling water balloons with paint to throw at the neighbor girl. Angela was distressed and said, "How much soda have you two been drinking?"

"Anne shot Joshua in the arm with a paintball gun," Isaac explained. "This is called 'just desserts'."

Anne, meanwhile, was swinging on a rubber tire in her own front yard. She was holding a paintball gun in her chubby hands and smiling malevolently.

"That doesn't mean you throw paint balloons at her," Angela said. "'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'."

"Angela you are a party pooper," I said.

The boys erupted into taunts of _party pooper party pooper_ while Angela looked on helplessly. I left her to take care of this thanking the man upstairs for not giving me a sibling. I have enough crap to deal with.

Speaking of crap, I had to drop off a box of Mike's stuff he left at my house while we were still dating. It's mostly stupid CDs I lied about listening too and this stuffed turtle he got me for no reason. I stared hard at the turtle (I had named her Martha after George Washington's old lady) before shoving her under Mike's There Might Be Giants t-shirt (he let me have it for a night shirt but now it smells like his smelly coconut shampoo).

Mike was in his room playing _Resident Evil_ when I get there. I coughed loudly, announcing my arrival.

"Hey Jess," Mike said. "What's in the box?"

"You're stupid junk," I said dropping the box on his bed. I looked at the TV. "Oh. You're playing as Jill Valentine? I thought you hated playing as girls."

Mike didn't say anything and I wondered if he was mad at me for something I insensitively said without thinking. Then he said, "I hate Rebecca Chambers. Her voice is goddamned annoying."

Whenever Mike lies he wiggles his leg around. He was doing it at that moment so I _knew_ he was talking out of his ass. He only played as Jill when I was around because I always laughed at the _Jill sandwich_ line. So then I started wondering if Mike was imagining me laughing or stupid sentimental bullshit like that. My stomach started churning and I felt like I was going to blow chunks all over the carpet. I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES.

Mike paused his game to sift through his stupid junk. He picked up Martha and stared into her black, beady eyes. "You didn't want the turtle?"

"No," I said. "That's why I put it in the box. Stuff that reminds me of you goes in the box. Therefore, I don't want the turtle."

Of course I feel terrible about the entire thing. Mike had his traumatized puppy expression on and Martha looked even worse (if a stuffed turtle could emote).

So I said, "Bella is a zombie."

Sure enough, the subject of Bella Swan made Mike forget all about Martha and me. He said, "What do you mean?"

"She won't come out of her room or talk to anyone," I said. "I think she was infected with the T-virus. She's unable to feel human emotion."

"Are you making fun of her again?" Mike asked because it's something I would do.

"No I'm serious," I said. "Go to her house. You can hear her moaning through the door."

I was lying about that last part, but Mike seems to understand nonetheless.

"I can't believe she's so hung up on Cullen," Mike said and started killing zombies again.

* * *

**Sunday September 18****th**

I told Leah and Jane all about Bella's trip to Crazy Town. Leah was unsympathetic which I found quite refreshing. She thought that Bella was acting like a psycho and maybe should rethink her life choices. Leah has her life all planned out. She's going to move as far away from Forks as she can.

"I'll go live on a mountain," she told me. We had bet Jane five bucks she couldn't lick her elbow so she was preoccupied for the time being. "Right at the very top. I'll get a goat and maybe grow some corn. I like corn. It's in my vegetable top five. Number one being plums."

"Plums are fruits," Jane said.

"In Leah's World plums are vegetables," Leah explained. "Kapeesh?"

"Then I'm making ice cream a major food group," Jane said.

"Only I can bend the food laws of the universe."

Leah then said, "Damn. Now I'm hungry. Are you hungry, Jezebel?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you hungry, Jane?"

"I want ice cream."

Leah whipped out her cell phone and dialed. "Seth," she barked into the phone. "Two roast beef sandwiches on the double…Yes now! That's what 'on the double' means, idiot… What? Are you on your period? Grow a pair…And bring some ice cream for Jane."

She snapped the phone shut and said, "This is why I have a brother."

I learned a lot of things today. One is that Leah Clearwater can bend the universe. Another is that siblings can be used for your own personal gain. Also Ninja Shoe Barn Guy is Leah's little brother and he is the saint of sandwiches.

Seth knocked on the door even though we knew it was him. I answered because Leah was busy changing Claire's diaper. I immediately recognized him because I pretty much _live_ at the Shoe Barn. Just the other day Lola (Shoe Barn manager) kicked me out for loitering (even though she was sneaking smokes in the storeroom).

I was surprised to see Ninja Shoe Barn Guy in the outside world. It was like seeing your teacher at the grocery store or walking in on your mom and Ted Frenching in the bathroom. Unnerving and possibly frightening. Ninja Shoe Barn Guy was surprised to see me in the outside world too. I wasn't drooling over pumps. In fact, my drool was concerned with the roast beef sandwich.

"You know Leah," Seth asked.

"Hi," I said.

"Oh god," Seth said. "You know Leah."

"It's nice to see you again too."

Then Leah appeared out of nowhere and said, "Hey, Seth. This is Jasmine. She's a babysitter. Do you have the sandwiches? Give them to me now."

"Jackie isn't a babysitter," Jane said indignantly. "She is a person sitter. I am a person. I have my rights."

"Come in the fucking house, dumbass," Leah said. "Don't just stand there like an idiot."

So we all gathered in the living room to eat sandwiches (Jane had a Klondike bar). It was kind of awkward knowing that Ninja Shoe Barn guy had a name. He never wore a name tag at the store because another girl who works there, Rhonda, is a kleptomaniac so she kept stealing them.

"This is good sandwich," I said.

"Didn't I tell you he is the saint of sandwiches?" Leah said.

"Janet has a terrible memory," Jane said.

"Lola talks about you," Seth said. "Well… complains."

"I don't complain when she refuses to stock shoes in my size," I said.

Then Jane's mom came home and freaked out because no one was using coasters. I went home and took a nap. While napping I had a dream that Mike was on his front porch whittling my face in a block of wood. When I woke up I started crying. It must have been the sandwich.

* * *

**Monday September 19****th**

Bella was in school today, but she wasn't her old bland self like Angela had said. Instead she was in full out zombie mode. When teachers called on her in class she wouldn't say anything. At lunch she sat at the Cullen's table staring out the window. Rumors were spreading that she was suicidal. By seventh period, people were saying that she was going to jump off the gym building after school.

Everyone kept asking Charlotte Brambles to retell the tragic breakup of Forks High School's own Romeo and Juliet. Charlotte Brambles is mostly forgotten by everyone so she enjoyed the attention. At lunch her table (usually just Charlotte and this guy who wears the same pair of khaki shorts every goddamned day) was surrounded by gossip mongers.

"I can't believe no is asking my opinion of this," Lauren said. "_I'm_ the model."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Tyler asked.

"It has everything to do with it," Lauren snapped. "Are you jealous because your bimbo Baywatch girlfriend isn't a model?"

"You're not a model," Eric said. "You haven't been in anything."

"I'm going to shoot today," Lauren said, pursing her lips. "It's for a new brand of gum."

"What's it called?" I asked.

"I can't tell you. Top secret information."

Charlotte Brambles approached our table, flipping her bushy red hair. "I wish people would stop asking me about Bella and Edward," she said with a sigh. "It's _so_ annoying."

"_We_ found her in the woods, Charlotte," Lauren said, narrowing her eyes. "She was close to death! If we hadn't been there Bella would have DIED. Do you hear me? DEATH. It is SERIOUS. BUSINESS."

"Some people would do anything for attention." Charlotte sighed again and floated back to her table.

"I hate her," Lauren said.

"You hate everyone," Mike said.

"With good reason."

This was my day.

* * *

**Hey guys...sorry I haven't been updating :P I've been busy this summer (junior next year _) so I haven't had a chance to write. But I was inspired by the Scott Pilgrim movie coming out since Anna Kendrick plays Scott's little sister, Stacey. I love the comics and was really excited to see Anna in the film. So I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks so much for waiting.**


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